My fellow Citizens,
I come to you tonight in the midst of a truly historic moment. By now it is all too clear that we are in the grip of an unimaginable cataclysm that shows no sign of stopping. Indeed, all signs suggest that things will only get worse before they get better. Make no mistake, the storm we currently find ourselves in is here to stay, and we will not find reprieve any time soon.
In such unprecedented times as these, we must be flexible and dynamic. If we are to have any chance of progress, we must adapt to the new changes and the new opportunities that present themselves. We must be prepared to adjust to a new situation, and sometimes we must be prepared to reevaluate our oldest and most foundational traditions.
For over two-score millennia we have prided ourselves on defying the Space Marine hegemony compeleld on us by Games Workshop, and taken great satisfaction from our identity of independence that grew from it. We have long been a bastion against the hegemonic constructs of Games Workshop's marketing, and the crown jewel of that rebellion has been our fervent denial to ever host Space Marine models within our borders.
But the Space Marines too have suffered under these arduous times just as we have, and now at last they too have found themselves betrayed by GW. They are no longer the face of GW's hegemonic power structure, and they are no longer the 40k player base's boot upon our throat. Yet even as they have found themselves cast out from power, usurped by unfathomable products of GW's CAD complex, we have stubbornly upheld our long-standing prejudices against them.
Until now.
My fellow Citizens, as of midnight tonight, at long last, the Non-Space Marine Player Charter of 2002 and the Space Marine Act of 2004 are to hereby be officially revoked. From this day forward, the Kakapo Empire will officially grant political asylum to any Space Marine refugees from 1998 to 2004 that seek it, and we will officially recognise their right to sanctuary and to apply for full Citizenship within the Kakapo Empire.
For too long we have considered the Space Marines our adversaries. Make no mistake, we are now trapped in the same storm together, and only by putting aside our long-standing differences and uniting our efforts together can we weather this onslaught.
Already the first groups of Space Marine refugees are making their way to our territory even now. I implore you, my fellow Citzens, one and all, to strive to ensure they are welcomed warmly as new friends, and made to feel comfortable in their new home.
Well, there it is. It's happened. After 20 years, it's finally happened. Hell has frozen over, pigs have taken flight, cats and dogs are living together in mass hysteria.
I'm starting a Space Marine army.
Of course I'm also starting a Dark Eldar army too, for much the same reasons, but I've never had an official militant policy of prohibition against the Dark Eldar, and have seriously entertained the idea of a Dark Eldar army for a while now. So that's not really too earthshaking. Not like the Space Marines, that I promised I would never collect, ever.
When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.
It was always foreshadowed I suppose. The first Warhammer 40,000 model I ever saw was a Space Marine Landspeeder. When I first happened upon the big store display of Warhammer 40,000 stuff in the local Toyworld one fateful afternoon, there were no Tau boxes on display, so my attention instead wandered to the strange mysterious yellow flying APC I could see on one of the boxes. It wasn't until over a decade later that I was able to put two and two together and figured out that the mysterious flying APC I had spotted as a 7 year old was, in fact, a Landspeeder that my memory had warped - in particular, I had got it into my head that it was a hovering troop transport because I had mistaken the very conspicuous maintenance hatches on the side for doors to a troop compartment and my developing myopia had fused the entire cockpit and two crewmen together into a single enclosed bridge.
And then of course later on there was the Blood Angels army I happened upon one night when my parents decided to take a shortcut to the Chinese restaurant were going out to which happened to bring us past the local Games Workshop store.
But despite all that I have, for pretty much my entire hobby life, been legendary for my loathing of Space Marines and my fanatical refusal to ever start a Space Marine army. For decades I resented the publicity and central framing the Space Marines got, and the fact that the entire 40k player base seemed to lean into it, with the fury of a thousand suns, and swore I would be the only 40k player in history to never start a Space Marine army or even own a single Space Marine model, and make my name that way. As the years went on I took enormous, fierce pride in being the cool rebellious non-conformist doggedly sticking to an exclusive hobby diet of alien factions while all the sheeple around me mindlessly consumed their bland Ultramarines or whatever.
Of course, deep down the truth was that as a Tau player I was being relentlessly marginalised by the wider 40k fanbase, and when you're on the fringes of the group often what you desperately want most of all is to be in the centre. Natalie Wynn is definitely onto something with her Envy-Contempt Sublimation thinking.
I probably would have kept up this anti-Space Marine policy forever if it were not for GW. It is the one of the world's greatest ironies that the release of 8th edition and the NuMarines ultimately convinced me to start a Space Marine army. See, when GW released the NuMarines and re-framed them to be the stars of the spotlight, it meant that the Space Marines were no longer the golden poster boys they had always been. And that made them cool. That made it OK for me to like them, because now I could hypothetically collect a Space Marine army and still maintain my anti-establishment non-conformist street cred. It was the loophole I needed to reconcile the two impulses. I could collect some Space Marines, and I would be just preserving another part of Warhammer 40,000 for posterity and providing another opposing force for my Tau and Witch Hunters.. so long as I never, ever touched any of those filthy NuMarines.
With my Envy-Contempt Sublimation re-targeted, I was then able to consider two factors. The first was a shocking realisation of just how little of the Space Marine range actually remains in circulation. While I had been aware for years about just how many GW model lines had been discontinued, I never really gave much thought to how that had impacted the Space Marine range, because they're the poster boys. The star prodigies. GW's flagship product. GW might discontinue other model ranges, but surely they would never shut down model lines for their flagship product. It was only as I sat down, looked through an archived copy of the Citadel Miniatures Catalogues and compared them to the GW website that I finally had the genuinely sobering revelation of just how much the Space Marine range had suffered - pretty much none of it remains available any more. And with that, I then realised just how important it was to preserve the classic Oldhammer Space Marine range from 2003 for posterity, just like all the others.
The other was seeing an opportunity to do just this. See, I love Jungle Trees. Like, a lot. They are easily my favourite Warhammer 40,000 terrain kit of all time, and easily one of my top 3 GW terrain pieces of all time, and I desperately wish I had gotten more of them when they were still available from GW. In truth, a lot of my quest to collect classic Warhammer 40,000 Battleforce and army boxes is motivated entirely by the drive to acquire the Jungle Tree sprues they contain. Rick Sanchez has his Szechuan McNugget sauce, I have my Jungle Trees. And I've noticed that one of the best remaining sources of Jungle Trees (and their cousins the Ruined Buildings and Battlefield Accessories that I also crave) is in rescuing 3rd edition Warhammer 40,000 starter box sets off Ebay. And those starter box sets also happen to feature a bunch of Space Marine models in them. So if I'm going to be rescuing a bunch of Warhammer 40,000 starter boxes from Ebay, then I might as well put those Space Marine freebies to good use.
This was all starting to coalesce together into a solid action plan right around December last year, when something truly crazy happened. Games Workshop re-released the starter box for Warhammer 40,000. Now, it was only the army component of the starter box, there were none of the terrain kits and no rulebook or whippy sticks, but on close inspection it appeared that the model sprues for the Space Marine and Dark Eldar sculpts featured a copyright date of 1998 on them, which meant that they were very likely complete recreations of the original sculpts, painstakingly close if not identical. This in turn meant that GW had made a conscious step towards meeting my demands of it, so I removed some of my economic trade sanctions on it and ordered a set for Boxing Day of last year as a show of good faith.
Supply chain issues due to the general apocalypse going on in the world at the moment meant that it then took almost a year for the box to get shipped to me, and now here we are, with the start of a brand new Space Marine army. Of course it probably won't actually get painted any time soon, not only because there are more pressing things I'm prioritising but also because before I can paint it I have to settle on which Chapter I want to paint them as.
See, for those of you not in the know, the Space Marines in Warhammer 40,000 are organised into a bunch of different groups called Chapters. Each one has a very, very, VERY distinct colour scheme, lore and identity, though most Chapters can be grouped together as 'Codex' chapters, which means they're normal Space Marine Chapters that don't really do anything unusual. Chapters are a very big deal for a Space Marine army, and there are several ones I like the colour scheme and/or concept of, which makes figuring out which one I want to do a massive headache.
Right now, here is the current short-list:
FLAME FALCONS
Pros:
- The COOLEST Space Marine Chapter ever.
- No, seriously.
- They're Space Marines that fight ON FIRE. It doesn't get any cooler than that (for Space Marines anyway)
- The Cursed Founding is easily the best part of Space Marine lore, ever.
- Major mystique and non-conformist points for playing a Cursed Founding Chapter.
- The Cursed Founding rules for Flame Falcons in Chapter Approved are pretty neat.
- Can have fun expanding on the Chapter's recent history.
- An excellent outlet for all my fire-related puns, leaving my Witch Hunters free to focus on in-character roleplay.
- No official paint scheme means I can have fun with colours.
Cons:
- Models would require extensive greenstuff work, since they're all on fire.
- Sculpting greenstuff fire is a pain in the ass.
- I kind of want to preserve the 2003 Space Marine model range as it was, and covering all the Space Marines in greenstuff fire defeats that purpose.
- No official paint scheme means I run the risk of getting constantly harassed for not painting them right.
- The Cursed Founding rules restrict some of the unit options I can use, and I want to feature as many Space Marine units as possible for maximum diversity and to preserve the entire range for posterity.
- I'm really not sure I'm comfortable with covering precious irreplaceable 1998 - 2003 models with greenstuff fire.
- "You're using the normal Space Marine codex for a Cursed Founding Chapter? You have no respect for the lore or the unique character of the army! WAAC! WAAAAAAAC!!"
- No official paint scheme means I actually have to plan one myself, and still avoid it being too similar to all the other Chapter paint schemes.
- OH DEAR SWEET GOD NO IT'S THE EMPIRE PROBLEM ALL OVER AGAIN!
LAMENTERS
Pros:
- The second coolest Space Marine Chapter ever.
- The most relatable Space Marine Chapter ever.
- Really, if I were a Space Marine I 100% would be a Lamenter given the way my life has gone.
- "Blood Angels but without the Blood Angel problems except they get horrific bad luck instead" is just a really neat concept.
- The Cursed Founding is easily the best part of Space Marine lore, ever.
- Major mystique and non-conformist points for playing a Cursed Founding Chapter.
- The Cursed Founding rules for Lamenters are pretty neat.
- All the Natural 1s and appalling game losses I ever have with the army would be completely 100% in character.
- No, really, I relate to the Lamenters on a cellular level.
Cons:
- Paint Scheme isn't the prettiest.
- Chapter Logo has no transfer decals.
- Chapter Logo incorporates a checkered background, which is a PAIN IN THE ASS to paint.
- Chapter Logo incorporates a black and white checkered background, which is even more of a PAIN IN THE ASS to paint.
- The fucking 2010s retcon.
- The fucking 2010s retcon took away what made them actually interesting and just made them Blood Angels but shitty.
- Fuck do I really have to engage with the fucking 2010s retcon.
- Fuck it's going to get brought up even if I refuse to engage with it isn't it.
- "Ughuuh, you know that Ackchually they have Death Company all along right? Your army isn't legal and is wrong for a Lamenters army!"
- "Ughuuh, you know there's this little thing called KANOHN that doesn't care about your feelings right? Dumb baby casual git gud"
- "You're using the normal Space Marine codex for a Cursed Founding Chapter? You have no respect for the lore or the unique character of the army! WAAC! WAAAAAAAC!!"
- "You're not using the Blood Angels codex for Lamenters? You have no respect for the lore or the unique character of the army! WAAC! WAAAAAAAC!!"
BLOOD ANGELS
Pros:
- I have an AWESOME concept for a Blood Angels army
- Spoiler Alert: 90s Comic Book Blood Angels
- Think About it: Blood Angels themed around the 90s era of Comic Books
- It'd be so cool and so meta!
- And they could be led by Rob Liefeld as a Space Marine!
- This concept is everything my brain has ever wanted to think about
- I'm actually pretty confident about painting red.
- Baal Predator goes BPPPPPPPT!
Cons:
- Models would require massive amounts of additional pouches to really sell the joke home
- Space Marine model sprues contain insufficient amounts of pouches for this. More would need to be sourced.
- I kind of want to preserve the 2003 Space Marine model range as it was, and covering all the Space Marines in pouches defeats that purpose.
- The Blood Angels army is not a Codex Chapter and is has a very distinct array of unit options and fighting style.
- I kind of want to showcase a normal Codex: Space Marines army for posterity.
- Baal Predator is a Unicorn online
- I don't know I really want to lean into the whole Jump Pack thing. I'd kind of like a shootier, more footslogging Space Marien army.
- Would have to source a bunch of extra models for Death Company.
- "You're using a Blood Angels army with no Honour Guard or Veteran Assault Squads? Or Furioso Dreadnoughts? You have no respect for the lore or the unique character of the army! WAAC! WAAAAAAAC!!"
ULTRAMARINES
Pros:
- THE archetypal Space Marine army, which would be a plus given the goal is to showcase the classic Space Marine army for posterity.
- Has all the unit options I'd like to try.
- Has all the thematic justification for fighting my Tau and Witch Hunters a lot.
- Captain Motherfucking Ardias
- Captain Ardias is a stone-cold badass and the single coolest Space Marine character GW ever created.
- No seriously forget all the ninnies from Dawn of War. They only wish thy could be as awesome as Captain Ardias.
- Holy shit I could kitbash a model for Captain Ardias.
- Holy shit I could use that model of Captain Ardias alongside the models of Ui'Kais I'm going to make.
- I HOLD YOUR DEATH IN MY HANDS!!
- Let your DARK SOUL feel the LIGHT OF THE EMPEROR!!
- FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL THE IMPERIUM'S MIGHT!!
- THE EMPEROR ORDERS YOU TO DIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Cons:
- The most boring of Space Marine Chapters
- Not the biggest fan of the colour blue
- Forever Tainted by Matt Ward
- Will attract ALL the stupid memes
- Will attract ALL the mean comments
- "Urrhurrhurrr Rawbutt Gurllymann!"
- "uLtRaSmUrRfS!"
- "OMG r u in love with Matt Ward?"
- Really need a 1990s Ultramarine army to really hammer home the Chaos Gate memes
IMPERIAL FISTS
Pros:
- Always liked the colour scheme
- Yellow and red is a winning combination
- Was the first Space Marine colour scheme I ever saw
- The other archetypal Space Marine chapter, which helps with the posterity mission
- Also have all the unit options I'd like to try
- Kind of like the defensive specialists/siege veteran angle
- Have a special character named Lysander, which pleases my inner Thespian
Cons:
- Yellow is a pain in the ass to paint
- Especially bright yellow
- Also a lightning rod for memes
- "Oh my god the pain glove amiright"
- Fuck I'll have to deal with all the Black Library Horus Heresy stuff won't I. Fuck.
- Fuck I'll get an earful of all the 30k stuff too.
- Starting to realise I don't really have a compelling hook for the backstory.
- Aren't they missing that gland implant that lets them spit acid venom? That sucks and is totally lame.
BLACK TEMPLARS
Pros:
- The iconic 3rd edition Space Marines
- Completely native to 3rd edition, no roots in 80shammer or 90shammer
- The mixed model squads are kind of cool
- The poster boys for the starter box AND rulebook, which is a case for the posterity mission
- Could possibly dabble in Sword Brethren with the 4th edition codex
- Land Raider Crusader goes BPPPPPPPT!
Cons:
- Colour scheme is black and white, which is a pain to paint
- The Black Templars army is not a Codex Chapter and is has a very distinct array of unit options and fighting style.
- I kind of want to showcase a normal Codex: Space Marines army for posterity.
- Land Raider Crusaders also seem to be a Unicorn online.
- Forever tainted by Flashgitz.
- Oh god I have to choose between assault weapons and specialist close combat options for the infantry squads? But there's only six of them!
MY OWN CHAPTER
Pros:
- Sidesteps a lot of canon bullshit
- Can work out my own colour scheme
- Already have a few Chapters of my own invention that could work
- Can even make them a 21st Founding Chapter if I want
Cons:
- Would have to decide which of the Chapters I've invented to do.
- Oh sweet god this is torture. It's Sophie's Choice I tell you!
- I kind of want to preserve the 2003 Space Marine model range as it was, and giving all the Space Marines a wild new colour scheme defeats that purpose.
- "Oh so your guys are [GW Chapter that has similar colours to mine]?"
So as you can see, it's a tough call. Fortunately for me I've got time for now.
